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October 27, 2021It’s just not good.
Just out of “Infinity Bore” — sorry, Marvel’s “Eternals.”
Seriously, what a snooze. Fresh off of winning the Best Director Oscar for “Nomadland,” Chloé Zhao has upchucked one of the MCU’s worst movies in ages.
And to what end? “Eternals,” which will no doubt become a Jon Favreau punchline in a future “Avengers” film, need not exist in a universe that already counts the Fantastic Four and X-Men among its franchises.
Yet here you go, ticket buyers — another far worse, uniformed collective of super-beings with conspicuously similar powers and a vague, grandiose mission to save humanity. Well, where were our amazing protectors when several hundred innocent people walked into a lousy, two-hour, 37-minute movie Monday night?
The Eternals are powerful aliens who have spent 7,000 years on Earth keeping the masses safe from the Deviants, which from what I gathered are wolves made out of twigs. However, like “Star Trek”‘s Prime Directive, they refuse to impact the course of history. (They often screw up that last part.)
The most important difference between the Eternals and X-Men, however, is that Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine and Halle Berry’s Storm are layered, fascinating character studies. Angelina Jolie’s Thena has the personality of a bar of soap and an accent that suggests her semester abroad in London was the best four months of her life.
All the characters are similarly bland. Richard Madden’s Ikaris is hot, can fly and has laser eyes. Gemma Chan’s Sersi is able to change inanimate objects into other inanimate objects, but God forbid she alter her facial expression.
